The Reel Sh!t

When it comes to movies, we cut the crap

The scoop on The Reel Sh!t

Welcome to The Reel Sh!t. When it comes to movies, we cut the crap.

We’re Joey (Bald Guy), Nicole (The Girl) and Veronica (V), and we’re having fun with movies. We see lots of movies, and we’re going to say something about the movies we see, whether we see them in the theater, on DVD, on a pay-per-view network or wherever. Sometimes we agree. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we hug. Group hug!

Whatever we say, remember that the reason we go to movies is to have fun and be entertained. And to eat really expensive popcorn (layer the butter, please!).

Let us know what you think, about the movies, about our blog, about the meaning of life.

An explanation of the rating system: Our rating system is based on rolls of toilet paper. The crappy movies take more toilet paper than the really good ones. That’s logical: The more sh!t, the more paper. Zero rolls is our top rating; five rolls is our lowest.

‘Hornets Nest’ should offer more stings

Noomie Rapace is the only reason to watch/read the final installment in Stieg Larsson’s Millennium triology. From the badly injured, frightened woman at the beginning of The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest to the mohawked, goth rebel at the end, Rapace is Lisbeth Salander, the genius computer hacker carrying around a grudge that weighs more than her frail body can carry.

By far the weakest of the three movies, Hornet’s Nest is filled with intrigue but not enough action to keep one’s interest for almost two and a half hours. It’s good; it just isn’t great.

Micke Spreitz, as the hulking Niedermann, is just as creepy as he was in The Girl Who Played With Fire, but it’s disappointing that viewers don’t get to see how he meets his end. He has been so evil through one and a half movies that it seems a bit of a cheat to just tell viewers that the biker gang has killed him. We wanted to see the biker gang kill him!

Since this movie is in Swedish, most American viewers must read it. During an action-filled movie, that isn’t a problem, but when the film is basically a quiet character study, eyelids can get pretty darn heavy.

Michael Nyqvist is as good as always as Blomkvist, the fearless journalist with a soft spot for Lisbeth.

The movie is a must-see/read for Larsson fans; just take a Mountain Dew or a double espresso with you.

SPECIAL NOTE: The Reel Sh!t team is going uptown. We now have a graphic to illustrate our ratings. Brown is sh!tty; white is unshi!tty. So, this one gets one roll of toilet paper out of five. Yes, that’s the buzz.

Consensus:

New Releases: The Town, The A-Team & Despicable Me

What a treat, moviegoers: Loads of entertaining and fun new releases on DVD and Blu-ray. Woohoo … celebrate good times — c’mon!  This cold weather may be messing with our brains just a wee bit.  There’s everything this week from drama to action and even comedy.  So sit back, relax, and let the reel roll.

The Town – Leave it to Ben Affleck to write, direct, and star in a surprisingly good crime-thriller.  Doug MacRay, played by Affleck, is one of four thieves the FBI has been tracking.  Unless he changes his ways, MacRay sees himself winding up like his father — prison-bound.  The dilemma: Crime is an everyday occurrence in Charlestown, Boston and this so happens to be where MacRay lives.  He is one of those unfortunate souls who falls into the family business.  It chose him, not the other way around.  But love and loyalty become intertwined when MacRay falls for one of his victims.  Only a small percentage of individuals are able to break free of their crime-related activity, and those who have have done so, do it at a price.

The A-Team – The big-screen remake of The A-Team television series is fun, fun, fun.  Any film featuring the likes of Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson, Sharlto Copley (District 9), and Jessica Biel is worth watching.  Hannibal (Neeson), Face (Cooper), B. A. Baracus (Jackson) and Murdock (Copley), a group of soldiers framed for a crime in which they had no involvement, are scheduled to be locked up for their actions.  The men escape confinement and are now on a mission to clear their names and find the culprit responsible for setting them up.  These are anything but your traditional soldiers.

Despicable Me – An animated comedy for the family, this film will warm the heart of any Grinch.  Gru, voiced by Steve Carell, is ever so wicked.  He has minions, an underground lair, and all the devices necessary to conquer the world.  His ultimate goal: steal the moon.  But when three little orphan girls decide to bond with Gru, his once iced-over personality may start to melt.  Gru may just go from “superbad” to “superdad.”

Which movie will you rent this week?

THE TOURIST – Finally, two of the sexiest people alive

Combining the likes of Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie is pure genius.  Yes, these two actors are hard on the eyes.  Honestly, it’s a challenge just to look at either one.

More to the point: Why has it taken so long for Depp and Jolie to star in a movie together?  Depp is mysteriously sexy with an adorable personality that’s hard to resist, and Jolie is both lavishing and breathtaking.  The two emit a sexual vibe that leaves the audience wanting more. Or just wanting.

The trailer for The Tourist leaves little to the imagination.  The movie does have several dry moments but, if you are looking for a dramatic thriller with plenty of twists and turns, this movie is for you. 

Elise, played by Jolie, is being followed by numerous government agencies.  She has been on the run for roughly two years.  The audience discovers that the man Elise is in love with is wanted in connection for embezzlement.  He stole earnings in excess of $2 billion from a mob boss.  Now, the government is using Elise as its connection to this criminal.

To throw off authorities, Elise targets someone who can very well resemble her lover.  She chooses Frank (Depp) to be her decoy, but soon discovers herself falling in love with him.  Frank falls passionately in love with Elise, even though the mob, police and numerous government agencies are after him.  Will the two be able to resolve their differences and start a life together, or will one of them get whacked first?

SPECIAL NOTE: The Reel Sh!t team has gone uptown. We have a graphic to illustrate our ratings. Brown is sh!tty and white is unshi!tty. So, this one gets two rolls of toilet paper out of five. Yeah, that’s a first-class ticket.

Consensus:

The Reel Sh!t List: Christmas movies that put a song in our heart

Among the great things about the movies of the 1930’s, ’40s, and ’50s are the performances by the multitalented actors. They sang. They danced. They gave us great songs.

Today’s Reel Sh!t List offers our readers a look at a few of our favorite Christmas movies that produced lasting holiday music:

1. Babes in Toyland (1934). Virginia Karns sings “Toyland.”

2. Bright Eyes (1934). That adorable Shirley Temple sings “Good Ship Lollipop.”

3. Meet Me in St. Louis (1944). Judy Garland delights with Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

Bing Crosby gives us plenty to sing about in Holiday Inn, (1942; “Happy Holidays”) and White Christmas (1954; do we have to tell you?)

May your days be merry and bright.

New Releases: Inception & Shrek Forever After

Oh, the weather outside is chilly, it really ain’t that pretty, and since there’s nothing on the tube to pick, Rent a flick! Rent a flick! Rent a flick!  Might we suggest watching one of the following new releases on an icky day when you want nothing more than to stay inside where it’s nice and cozy?  Enjoy!

Inception – Christopher Nolan, the writer/director responsible for the psychological thriller Memento, creates a new masterpiece with Inception.  Don’t be fooled: This movie will mess with your cranium.  The basis for the film is simple: plant an idea in an individual’s subconscious (by entering through a dream), without recognition, and convince that individual to believe that the implanted idea is, in fact, real.  Yeah, it’s that confusing but worth the time.

Shrek Forever After – Shrek’s domesticated lifestyle is not what he imagined.  To mix things up, he makes a deal with Rumpelstiltskin.  This deceitful character transports Shrek to an alternate dimension of Far Far Away.  This universe is anything but a fairytale.  Let the magic begin.

THE WARRIOR’S WAY & BLACK SWAN

The weekend is just around the corner.  With the cool, crisp weather, there is no better way to spend an afternoon than inside a warm theater.  Plus, it’s a great opportunity for cuddling.  So after spending those hard-earned dollars shopping for Christmas presents, go drop a few more at the theater.

The Warrior’s Way – This movie resembles that of Ninja Assassin, except for the whole western approach.  Yang (Dong-gun Jane), a “warrior assassin,” must lie low in the American Badlands.  He has betrayed his fellow warriors by declining to accept a mission and now the tables have turned.  Those who once fought side-by-side with him are now rallying in an attempt to kill him.  Sounds like fun.

Black Swan (Playing in Limited Theaters) – There is Oscar buzz circulating around Natalie Portman’s performance in this dramatic thriller.  Portman, who plays Nina, is vying for the role of prima ballerina in the production of “Swan Lake.”  A shoe-in for the role, tensions rise when a new dancer, Lily (Mila Kunis), threatens her chances.  The two develop a dark friendship that’s both psychological and disturbing.

EDGE OF DARKNESS – Don’t p!ss-off Mad Mel

Despite all of the negative media attention (which he deserves), Mel Gibson is a good actor.  Movies like Braveheart and What Women Want made Gibson a star, but it was his vile and foul language directed at ex-girlfriend Oksana that made him lose favor in the public’s eye.  Not a great thing for an actor.

Aside from the not-so-favorable publicity, Gibson gives a convincing performance in the crime-drama-thriller Edge of Darkness.  Remember, moviegoers, we are separating Gibson’s personal life from his professional life.  We are just analyzing his acting ability.  Please don’t hate us or make us pull a Mel by going all psycho on your a$$ just because we say good things about the guy’s acting.

Edge of Darkness is a compelling movie in which detective Craven, played by Gibson, witnesses his daughter’s death.  Craven is determined to track down his daughter’s murderers and make them pay.  But, along the course of the investigation, Craven discovers that his daughter withheld information pertaining to her occupation.  Apparently Northmoor, the corporation she had worked for, produced dirty nuclear weapons.  When it was discovered that she had been trying to leak the information to the public, Northmoor had her and her accomplices silenced.  Now, Craven will go after Northmoor and the corrupt politicians who allowed this illegal activity to transpire.  Never mess with daddy’s little girl!

SPECIAL NOTE: The Reel Sh!t team is going uptown. We now have a graphic to illustrate our ratings. Brown is sh!tty; white is unshi!tty. So, this one gets two and a half rolls of toilet paper out of five. Yeah, that’s a few brownie points for Gibson.

Consensus: